A Part of Me and You Read online

  She fingers through the rails of clothing as she talks to me, her head tilted to the side as she chews gum and again I get that awful flashback feeling to when I was her age, so innocent to the way my world was about to be tipped upside down around me, never to be the same again.

  ‘Well, you aren’t going to go horse-riding in those clothes?’ I say to her, taking in her long loose sweater, shorts and flip flops. ‘You’d better go home and get changed.’

  She almost jumps out of her skin with excitement.

  ‘So, we can go then? O-M-G you are like the coolest person ever! I actually love you right now! Thank you!’

  ‘Meet me back here at five,’ I tell her. ‘I need to make a phone call to make it happen but it shouldn’t be a problem. Deal?’

  ‘Deal, total deal!’ she says, and she bounds out of the shop into the sunshine and I smile from the tips of my toes at the joy such a simple gesture has given her. That poor little girl. The happier she can be over the next few weeks, the better.

  But before I can make that happen, I have to face another of my own fears. I have to step out of my comfort zone and reach out to the people of Killara who I have hidden from for so long; but as much as it frightens me, I don’t think for a second that they will let me down.

  Matt calls me when I am coming out of the shower, back at the house where I have laid out my jodhpurs and a t-shirt on the bed.

  ‘You’re going where?’ he asks, and just like Rosie, the joy in his voice is tangible.

  ‘I’m going horse-riding on the beach,’ I tell him and I can’t help but smile in return. ‘I know, I know, don’t die of shock. I am actually doing something that doesn’t involve my work or you or this house or the dog.’

  ‘Wow,’ he says to me ‘I am seriously, seriously over the moon with that! Fantastic! Amazing, Shell!’

  He lets out a noise of celebration that sounds a bit like a ‘woo hoo’ and I tell him to calm down already. It’s not really that big a deal. Okay, it is, but still.

  ‘Who are these people?’ he asks me. ‘Where do I send them some champagne and flowers for making my wife do something fun at last? At last! Lunch yesterday, horse riding today?’

  I sit on the edge of the bed and check the clock radio on my bedside locker and realize I only have ten minutes to get back to the shop and meet Rosie.

  ‘I’ll explain all to you later,’ I say to him. ‘It’s a long story and I really have to rush but it’ll be worth the wait. I’ve to meet Rosie at five and it’s almost that already.’

  ‘Ah Shell, you said that to me last night when you were too tired to talk,’ he says and I feel so bad for not taking time to explain. ‘Are they old friends of yours? Your long-lost family? Who?’

  ‘It’s all good,’ I say to him, trying to put on my socks as I cradle the phone under my ear. ‘I mean it, it’s worth waiting on to hear the full story and you will never believe it. I’ll call you straight after and fill you in. You are going to love it.’

  ‘Alright, alright go and have some fun,’ he tells me. ‘And send some pics. I need to see the evidence of this, okay?’

  I put the phone on loudspeaker and drop it on the bed as I squeeze into my jodhpurs. It has been a long time and thank goodness I haven’t put on any weight. If anything, they’re a bit loose on me but that’s exactly what I expected.

  ‘Did you have a good day?’ I ask him. ‘How’s France?’

  ‘I’ll tell you all about that later too,’ he replies. ‘Now go quickly before you’re stood up. I am so freaking happy right now. I love you Shell.’

  I gulp as he says those words that he has been so patient with, waiting all the time for me to say it back to him but I can’t know or feel if I love anyone when I don’t even love myself anymore. I may be taking very tiny baby steps right now but I’ve a long way to go and I don’t want to lie to him by saying it just for the sake of it. I want to learn to love him again like he deserves to be loved and I won’t say it until I know that that’s absolutely true. I want to feel it.

  ‘I know you do,’ I tell him. ‘I’ll call you later and I’ll send you some evidence. Enjoy dinner with Bert! Tell him I said hi!’

  The slight pause illustrates his disappointment and I want to kick myself for being so cold and so honest. I can’t say ‘I love you’ back, I just can’t. I try to but the words stick in my throat. I can’t say it until I know I really mean it from my very core and although I am starting to finally ‘feel’ again, I still have quite a bit to go.

  ‘I’ll tell Bert you said hi,’ Matt says to me. ‘Have fun, babe. You deserve it more than anyone I know.’

  And at that he is gone. I have shut him out once more.

  I need to go quickly and meet Rosie.

  Chapter 15

  Juliette

  ‘I’m sorry it didn’t work out today for the boat trip, honey, but I’ve got it all arranged for tomorrow. We could maybe take a walk around the village and—’

  ‘Mum, I do not want to walk around the village. I am so sick of walking, I’m sorry.’

  Oh no, it’s another one of those days when nothing, and I mean nothing, I say is going to be right.

  ‘Well, how about if we go swimming?’

  Rosie busies about the cottage, only half-listening to what I have to say.

  ‘It’s okay, Mum, I really have to go,’ she tells me, pulling on a pair of boots that don’t belong to her. ‘Now do you want to come with us or what?’

  ‘Where are you going? With whom? Who owns those boots?’

  She shrugs. ‘Dunno who owns them but they fit me perfectly. I found them amongst all that water-sports stuff by the back door. And I already told you, Mum! I’m going horse-riding. With Shelley. You coming? Come on, please. You will enjoy it!’

  Wait a minute, wait a minute. I don’t remember being told any of this. I remember it being suggested, but I didn’t realize it was actually arranged.

  ‘How on earth did this come about?’ I ask my daughter.

  ‘Mum! I told you!’

  ‘Ah, Rosie are you sure Shelley’s up for this?’ I say to her. ‘I know it would be good for her to go horse-riding but is she okay with it?’

  Rosie stops what she’s doing and lets out a deep sigh that I swear, sounds like it came from her ankles.

  ‘Why do you always have to be so negative?’ she asks me. ‘It’s only horse-riding for goodness sake! It’s not like I asked her to go to the moon or anything. And I did tell you! You just weren’t listening or else you forgot. You’re always forgetting stuff these days.’

  Well, I don’t really have an answer to that, do I? Maybe she did tell me. Maybe I did forget. Michael did say that I would become more and more forgetful as the tumour in my brain grows.

  I try to act normal which is never easy around a ‘know-it-all’ teenager, let alone when you have a terminal illness which makes you forgetful.

  ‘As long as Shelley is happy to go along with you?’ I say to her. ‘I mean, who owns the horses? Are they Shelley’s?’

  I would not be one bit surprised if Shelley did keep horses. The woman practically lives in a palace though I didn’t see any stables when we were up at her house. Not that that means anything, she might keep them elsewhere.

  ‘I have no idea how she pulled it off but she is meeting me at five at the shop so I’d better hurry. Come on, Mum! It will be fun!’

  ‘Hmm, okay but—’

  ‘Look,’ she says to me. ‘It’s like this. You have about two minutes to move it and come with us or else sit here and look at these four walls and I don’t know about you but I’m getting cabin fever sat here all day, so come on.’

  I am being bossed around by a teenager and I actually quite like it, mad as it may seem. This is what so many people wish away – these hormone-fuelled, mood swing years of slamming doors, hiding in bedrooms and throwing tantrums; one minute she was a toddler with attitude, now I’ve fast forwarded to swear words and developing bodies and all the rest. I want to witness all of
these magical, unpredictable moments from now on. I want to enjoy every single time she tells me she hates me, or that I’m a weirdo, or that I’m so not as cool as I think I am and any other insult she might throw my way. I want to see her on that horse, her face determined and bold, fearless with innocence as she gallops along the water front and most of all I want to hear her laugh and laugh and even if I can’t be a part of that experience directly, I will happily sit on the side-lines and cheer her on every step of the way.

  I take a picnic rug that is folded in a basket in the living room and grab my coat. The sun is still in the sky but as the evening sets in, I know how the weather can change in this part of the world. Rosie is already gone ahead of me, eager to beat the clock to meet Shelley in case she might miss this golden opportunity she has been so hoping for since she got here.

  Shelley

  Sarah meets us at the beach as promised with her horse box in tow and when I see her I don’t have to say a word about what happened with Teigan yesterday. She puts her arm around me and squeezes me in, kissing my forehead and I close my eyes and drink in her familiarity, her perfume, the woman I used to turn to for every little question I had about motherhood or marriage or life in a village that I was still learning to call home.

  ‘You’re doing great,’ she says to me. ‘Now, introduce me to your friends, please?’

  I can feel my shoulders straighten with pride as I introduce Sarah properly to Juliette and, of course, to Rosie who has eyes only for what is in the back of the horse box. Even poor Merlin, who I hold on a lead has to take a back seat to this excitement. There is a cool, light breeze in the air which is perfect riding weather and I can feel the adrenaline pumping through my veins at the thought of whisking along the coastline and letting the sea air blow my troubles away.

  I was right about my friends rising to the challenge of making this happen for Rosie. It took just one quick call to Sarah who was only too glad to take time out of her own busy schedule and arrange for the horses and all the gear we’re going to need here. Life in a small community can nourish you and prop you up when the chips are down and until now I have chosen to see only the other side of it; I have focused on the gossips, on the claustrophobic stares, on the smothering whispers from the shadows but from now on I choose to see the good in people and I feel much better for it already. I want to make this holiday as magical I can for Juliette and Rosie and I feel enriched that I can lean on my neighbours to make it happen.

  ‘How long are you here for?’ Sarah asks Juliette. It must be the most common ice breaker in the world when we meet a tourist or visitor.

  ‘Seven days in total,’ says Juliette. She looks tired today, a little darker under the eyes than she was when she first came into my shop on Saturday. ‘I can’t believe it’s Monday already and we still have so much to do!’

  ‘Well, if you need any advice or tips on what to do raound here when it rains, and it does rain here a lot, don’t be afraid to call on me. I’m a born and bred Killarian, through and through.’

  And Sarah is telling the truth. She is warm and friendly and spends most of her life outdoors, be it trekking with her ponies around the winding roads, or camping out with her kids under the stars, or spending time out on the sea with her husband, Tom. I take an inward breath, remembering the Skipper connection and how much she would know about him should Juliette wish to ask but I bite my tongue for now. It’s not my place to bring it up and besides, this excursion is all about Rosie.

  ‘You all set?’ I ask her and her glowing cheeks and wide grin means she doesn’t have to answer.

  ‘You’re a superstar for arranging this,’ says Juliette, expertly taking Merlin’s lead to allow me to help get the horses sorted. ‘You are way ahead of me right now on brownie points with my daughter.’

  My heart aches for her. It isn’t a competition, I want to say to her, but I can tell that she is slightly pinched at how she can’t get stuck in and do something as simple as horse-riding with her daughter. Once again, Juliette and I are on parallel levels of emotion as I think of how easily this would have become a way of life for me and Lily. We would have spent most of our time on this beach and probably taken it for granted. Knowing now what I do, and seeing Juliette long for more time with her daughter, I will never take anything in this life for granted again.

  ‘I haven’t done this in a few years,’ I say to Juliette, trying to make her feel better, ‘so I’ll probably not live up to Rosie’s expectations, but it’s all just a bit of fun. Now, Rosie, which of these two fine beasts do you fancy?’

  We all take a moment to admire Sarah’s horses who, next to her children, are her ultimate pride and joy.

  ‘This is Neptune,’ says Sarah, stroking the nose of her shiny brown mare who she has had for as long as I have known her. ‘And this rascal is Dizzy. I think you’ll like him, Rosie. He’s full of fun and he much prefers young people to us oldies.’

  ‘Speak for yourself,’ I joke with Sarah and she shoots me a glance that is full of hope. To just be here, standing on the beach with her and my new friends, and to be doing something as simple as making conversation is so refreshing, yet something I have avoided doing. I feel once again the security of friendship, like someone outside of my little bubble has got my back. The power of a smile, the warmth of a hug, the comfort in a familiar voice. I have numbed myself to try and avoid any more pain but just by being here, I can feel a tiny, tiny flutter of hope as a spark of life is ignited from deep within. Why have I been punishing myself for so long when all I needed to do was accept the hand of friendship? Instead I’ve been hiding away, curled up in a world of darkness though it wasn’t what I deserved. I see light and hope by just reaching out and seeing the good in human nature and acknowledging that kindness does exist if we find the right people and look in the right places.

  ‘Dizzy, it is for me, please,’ says Rosie. ‘You’re a fine fellow, you are, Dizzy! And you are lovely too, Neptune, but I agree with Sarah that Shelley is more your type.’

  ‘I’m glad I’m not having to choose,’ says Juliette. ‘With me being even older than you, Shelley, I definitely wouldn’t be in Dizzy’s club at my age.’

  ‘Mum just turned forty,’ says Rosie to Sarah as if it’s the funniest thing ever. ‘She’s ancient.’

  Sarah and I give a playful laugh as Juliette rolls her eyes to the heavens.

  ‘Thank goodness with age I have also developed a thick skin,’ she says.

  ‘You’re only a young thing,’ says Sarah. ‘Forty is the new thirty, isn’t that what they say? You’ve your whole life ahead of you still.’

  Rosie looks at me and then her mum and for a second no one really knows what to say. It’s not Sarah’s fault. She doesn’t know what’s going on with Juliette or why she’s here. I try to change the subject quickly.

  ‘Are you sure you won’t give this a go?’ I ask Juliette. ‘Neptune is a very gentle pony and Sarah could walk alongside you both? I can have a go after you. What do you think?’

  Juliette grips Merlin’s lead a little tighter and shakes her head at the very idea.

  ‘Come on, Mum! I bet you’ll love it. Just try it out and if you don’t like it then that’s okay. Do it!’

  ‘I’m wearing sandals and shorts,’ Juliette says with a shrug but Sarah has an answer to that.

  ‘I have boots and jodphurs in the boot of my car,’ she announces. ‘What size boots do you wear? Five?’

  Juliette nods, her eyes widening in fear as she looks upon Neptune who stands in wait.

  ‘I’d need about a size twelve in trousers though. Oh, I’m not sure about this at all. I was only coming along to watch you experts at work. I’ve never been on a horse in my life!’

  ‘Well, today is a good day to start,’ I say. ‘What do you think? Come on! You can do this! If I can do it so can you!’

  Juliette’s face breaks into a smile.

  ‘You know what, sod it,’ she says. ‘Why not? I’ll give it a go for the laugh. No time
like the present and all that.’

  ‘You superstar!’ says Rosie, who is already in the saddle and ready for action. ‘You’ll love it Mum, I’m telling you. I can’t believe you’re actually doing this! Amazing!’

  She blows her mum a kiss and Juliette catches it, just like I used to do with Lily when she was a tiny little girl. When I see Juliette close her fist and put it to her heart, I want to press pause and savour this moment forever.

  I wait with Rosie and the horses while Sarah sorts Juliette out with some riding gear and the look on the young girl’s face is something that I have never seen in her before. Her eyes are bright and shiny as she takes in her surroundings with the light breeze in her hair, her mouth in a wide smile. As she sits up high on the horse waiting to share this experience with her mother, I realize that this is a memory that she will cling to for a long, long time. I get that feeling again, that glow inside and I allow myself to totally absorb the joy of others and the small part I have played in making this happen.

  Juliette

  Sarah helps my foot into the stirrup and on the count of three I mount the horse which looks and feels like a giant to me. His coat is soft and silky to touch which I notice when I wobble a bit in the saddle and put my hand on his neck when searching for the reins.

  ‘You okay?’ says Sarah and I nod, not knowing whether to laugh or cry. The waves lap only feet away from me and the feeling of fresh air on my face is both exhilarating and breath-taking from up high. I never had any sort of desire to ride horses, despite taking Rosie for lessons when she was younger, and the very thought of being on horseback is enough to make me fearful and dizzy. Yet here I am, on a beach in the West of Ireland with my daughter by my side and these wonderfully generous people giving us an experience to remember.

  ‘I’m going to lead him along and I’ll be walking beside you every step of the way,’ says Sarah. ‘Shell, will you do the same with Rosie and Dizzy just to make sure she gets a feel of it before we let her go it alone.’